sometime's I unintentionally enter self-destruct mode

and i sabotage myself through and through

It's kind of like the spin cycle of a drying machine

just when I think I'm reaching the top

there I am, down at the bottom again

and repeat

and repeat

it's like clockwork

only cheese and wine get wiser with time

because I have been doing this since I was 15, and if i don't quit now

I don't think I'll ever stop

but the boldest I ever really get is in my font

Risky, risky, risky

Nothing is as simple as maximizing profits

there is always an economic backlash

this game sucks 

I don't exactly have a life worth detailing anymore. I have this crazy unquenchable desire for more. I think I'm kind of self-absorbed, but I'm just so bored with the status quo, so I don't think I can really be to blame. It would be pretty cool if something awesome happened. 

Environment Canada says....... 

Saturday

Cloudy with sunny periods. 60 percent chance of showers early in the morning. Fog patches dissipating in the morning. Wind southeast 20 km/h. High 18.

PEI tomorrow.

.....

home?

so where was I?

I was walking down the hallway

....strutting down the hallway....

probably in a comfortable fitting brightly hued tee, by this time

I was strutting with 3 girls just one step in front of me

I was to their right

I am not sure if I was in conversation

I am not sure if I was in style

I am not sure if I was insane

 

and where were you?

you were behind me

a mile behind me

you were choking on the dust I was leaving in front of you

You tripped on the debris left from my heartless rampage

you were the agony of a headache and I wanted nothing to do with

I want nothing to do with you

I wanted nothing

I wanted to

I wanted you

 

I knew you were there

I didn't see you/but I knew you were there

You were always there

You were faithful til the end

And I was the prick who thought he could have everything

I was the one who decided to file you away for safe keeping

to have you readily available for that 'just in case' scenerio when I would require your abilities to help me in my ongoing journey of personal glorification.

and you came

I called and you were there

you were always there

but i never saw you

I saw you but not you

 

take this as an apology

take this as an IOU for too many years of neglegence

take this and shove it right back up my ass if you want because I am an asshole and it's the least I deserve

I think it's only sometimes when you can find honesty, dignity, loyalty, respect, and compassion in a person all at the same time. I think that when you do, it's a gift. It's one of those 'handle with care' packages, the kind that are fragile like fine china, but secured in a bubble wrap binding. It can be protected from knicks and scratches, even a few drops here and there....but if you're too careless with it, if you just kind of toss it around the corner, then it's not so a much a friendship you're left with as it is its remains. The disembodiement of what was once so beautiful and lustrous, that shone and sang of melodic kinship has been shattered and lost. It leaves shards of memories, all of which are pretty to look at, emitting a sort of humbling nostalgia, but leave you with a poisonous sting like a toxic injection, and are equally as fatal on an esteem level. They are kind of like twisted fairytales, they end abruptly and without that glowing, warming happily-ever-after sensitivity that they tend to capture, and instead leave you cold and unsettled, longing for more but well aware that it truly is 'the end'. It's a jigsaw of demolition and industry, cuz no matter how much you try, re-building is a two person job and a one-sided hopeful will collapse with every attempt. 

 

I can blame anything I want to.

I can blame my parents

I can blame Sobeys

I can blame rugby

I can blame the color orange

I can blame my insurance company

I can blame Susan Willis

I can blame whoever invented soya sauce

I can blame George Bush

I can blame high definition television

I can blame the person walking his dog down Oak drive

I can blame anything adhesive, because nothing was effing strong enough to keep me attached to you and now I am dealing with the aftermath. Alone. And I couldn't feel more shitty.

 

I know you wouldn't feel the same way I do, because according to you I am sure we're still together...or maybe now i just finally see what you have known all along...but regardless of which reality we are confronted with, it's my turn to make a concious effort. to like, try, or something. I swear to all that is fucking coca-cola

 

The sobeys pub crawl was last night

un-fucking-believable

I had such an uncanny time

completely unprecidented in terms of hellagood outings

Repurcussions?

The last thing I remember is walking across a darkened floor at where I believe was the split crow, and then I woke up and continued to puke over myself

thank god for the biological alarm clock, 730 am buses should be illegal

I sincerely doubt I made it past the first bar, I was indescribably FUBAR'd

I just hope I didn't make a complete ass out of myself, or hinder Julie's night in any way, but from past experiences I have learned that assing and blacking out pretty much go hand in hand. I wonder how bad the damage is?

Not that I want to jump to any drastic conclusions, but it is highly possible that I may have lost $15, my camera, and my precious identification card (*faint*). I was sligtly intoxicated and rushed while I was packing this morning at 6:30 (a little last minute haha) so to same myself from dangerously high levels of distress and worry, i am assumign that the above mentioned are a) chilling out by themselves in my dorm room or b) faithful Julie has them packed safely away. I could totally have seen me throwing the money at a random cab driver (I'm assumign that's how I got home?? But it doesn't exlpain how I was clothesless in my bed haha), probably smashed up my camera mighty good, aaand to top it off probably got my ID confiscated haha quel soir! I am totally accepting donations of pubcrawl pictures in the meantime though, until I get to check up on my misplaced artifacts.

So yeah, I'm work-free on PEI for a week. Holla bitchez?

because i can break the habit and I can re-invent something new, this is why I am sucessful in my listless endeavour and why I may not end up spending eternity yearning for that thing that everybody thinks they have but what is actually far to abstract for comprehension and is probably just a form of self-medication. I consider it a sort of rheumatism, crippling and inescapable, it can sever confidence and plague image, it is judge jury & executioner in a trial rigged from the beginning, bought out by Eros' wicked bow-slinging ways, cuz even the good guys crave a bad streak from time to time. On the other hand, its an irrigating rarity. An eddy from normality, true when recognized in its faintest state, and even more so in profusion. It's the golden apple in the center of the minotaur-gaurded labyrinth, there for the taking but the task is troublesome. Always the possibility of being torn to shreds, ripped apart limb by limb, slaughtered mercilessly. Is anything really worth that kind of risk??  How can anyone come out alive? I think hermit crabs have had it right the entire time. Universally, we are all just empty shells anyway, discarded and left to rot. Yeah, self-pity is pretty hot. But believe it or not, this is a happy post. It is the celebration of a muchly sought death, something that was pruned way too much to go on and pretty much shrivelled and drained itself dry. It's something called relief, and i think that it was the right sign to follow. Smooth sailing? fingers crossed

the inventions from the boldest region of imagination or the apparitions which form from pure unadulterated desire or maybe just the richest slice from a cake of truth glazed with a false frosting, sometimes it takes more than a sacred spring to cleanse taint, but everything's just a figment of imagination anyway, and confusion can tango with that apparitioned desire for all I care, and I will bake my cake and eat it too, forget the stomach ache, cuz I'm a missionary and we don't sleep and we won't stop. You got me all wrong, but I can still wish, hopepraylong until it just SICKENS me so I can barely even stand to look at my reflection because I dissapoint my own dignity and self respect and I fall even harder than if I was refused. It's a self-apointed despairity, absorption of toxins, 'wallow in self pity' whatever, because I thought persistence leads to happily ever afters but then I see that god damn road again and know what I always knew and will still know even when I am in my most extreme phase of denial. But hey, it's time to move on anyway. Let's cheer up, buttercup. I am pretty much in love with the world that surrounds me and only me, it hugs me and warms my bitter soul, waaaiiiiting for some kind of revelation, I guess, but I never was too prone to epiphanies, and when I was they were usually about 3 days too late, just in time to give me the moral of the story. Hmmm, I wonder if this is day three......? 

This is the scene where Romeo dies

and then the whole world shatters

 

My life is in as much disaray as my desk. My head is spinning, I'm pretty much on the road to who knows where and I couldn't even fathom to look back if my life depended on it. I would like to think I'm on the right path, but every mile I trudge through, with every battered tear that falls, it gets bumpier and more dangerous. It's something apocolyptic, like it's painful by nature without warning. I'm waiting for the dead end or maybe a jagged cliff, at least then my options are limited and pretty much laid out for me but right now...there is still so much road, and it never gets easier. The writing is never on the wall, and even if it was it would be too obscure or I would be too drained of everything to make sense out of it. I hope my judgement can be trusted, because I think I'm going to take a turn at the next chance I have. Planned spontaneity, or some kind of oxymoron like that. I've been following this same fucking road for too long now with absolutely no signs of reaching anything, no resolution, not even a goddamn destination. i need this to change, I need freshness, something new and awesome. If I fall into a chasm, whatever, I'll deal with it somehow, I'm responsible enough to deal with repurcussions of my actions. I just hope it's nothing drastic...if I take the turn at all. I like to come across as a confident leader who's willing to embark into the unknown and deal with what needs to be dealt with, and maybe I will surprise myself and accomplish something for once in my life, but for now all I really know is that I am just a scared little boy with no clue how to deal with what's going on around me. But for now, I'll continue to travel down the familiar unknown. I'll crash and burn, dust myself off, and press on. Because that's what I do. I like to set myself up for the pain. At least I know I'm alive. If it's even worth the letters they spell.

4 new albums. Check them.

it's radical, but it's heartbreaking

-> "The Golden Girls" season 2

~ "The Wizard of Oz" 3-disk collector's edition

-> "Thundercats" season 1, volume 1

~ "Seinfeld" seasons 5 & 6

-> "He-Man & The Masters of the Universe" season 1, volume 1

~ $70 Sobeys Money

-> $60 cash

~ $40 Subway Money

-> A soft & cuddly teddy bear

~ A green/white/yellow/red track jacket

-> Legend of Zelda wristband

~ Nintendo Duckhunt T-Shirt

 

a major success story

I think loneliness is the most powerful emotion. It overpowers you in every aspect of your being. Its influence can hinder your performance in all kinds of categories and leave you listless. It's kind of like rust on an automobile...it just corrodes at your spirit leaving you for a lethargic vessel void of any motivation or ambition to compete in the struggle for a happier and fruitful existance. Like when you wake up at 9 and just lay there in bed wondering what you could possible get up for. You weigh your pros and your cons for getting out of bed to start the day, and you wait and wait and wait for something you want to accomplish today to come to mind, to spark any kind of motivational flame, yet all you can think of is ________________  and then before you know it two hours have passed and it's eleven and you are still in the same position you were when you began this whole ordeal, and absolutely nothing has changed. I think I need something to wake up for, something that is more than novel and not just a self-created fabrication of desire. It would be the coolest thing in the world to get what I really want this holiday season, but even if i did, i bet it would be totally wrapped in some kind of incredible indestructible packaging, or put in a flashy and alluring bag labeled 'WARNING - Any Scotts within a 5 meter radius of this bag will immediately spontaneously combust". Hey 2006, give me something new. I swear I've been a good boy.

So apparantly I FAILED Sociology?? Hahahaha what??? Saint Mary's, this is a cruel joke you're playing on me! Scott McGuirk just doesn't FAIL things hahahah the more times I say it the more laughable it sounds. The registrar's office can expect a rather nasty electronic mail regarding this crazy mix up, and I have every intention of hunting down my soc prof to the ends of the earth, where I will proceed to push her into the fiery pits of hell for her to suffer eternal damnation for such a goofy marking. Frig, I guess this is what I get for putting her lysol with corn flakes hahahahaha the bagging code of practice just doesn't apply to gargoyles in my books. Hahahahaha....fail, yeah right. This is where ransom saves the day haha. 

Hahahahahahahahahahaha

I'll laugh until I find it unbearable

I totaly only studied for like 15 minutes for my English exam tomorrow hahhaha self destruction much? I love rigging my own failures lol tonight I pray to the god of bullshit, give me the strength required to conceive the wild and convincing arguments of which I have benefitted greatly from throughout my entire academic career hahah will my luck pull through? An A in german and an A+ in Psych say yes sir, it WILL!

make up your mind